When an apple is green, it's ready to pluck, When a girl is sixteen she's ready to ..WOOPS...wrong number....
U good at math? Well, add a bed, subtract ur cloths, divide ur legs and we can multiply!
When all else fails manipulate the data
I'm as confused as a termite in a yo-yo
Insanity is my only means of relaxation
No guts, no glory, no brain, same story
Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier
When money talks, the criminal walks
In Ikea they have a Shelf storage system called Nob - So that's the only shop you can go into and ask the assistant to wheel your Nob to the car cuz it's too heavy.
Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
Jesus loves you...everyone else thinks you're an asshole!
Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.
Yes, this is my pickup. No, I will not help you move.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Important Message: Conserve your toilet paper - use both sides.
I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
I might be in the basement. I'll go upstairs and check.
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.
I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.
Is somebody not editing what I'm saying here???
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me
Mind intentionally left blank...
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times.
Born Free........Taxed to Death.
We will now upgrade your brain, please wait...searching...searching...still searching...sorry NO BRAIN found
I remind u that the most powerful force in the universe is sms gossip.
Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.
My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.
Hi - I am a virus and am entering your brain right now...wait, hold on, sorry unable to find brain...leaving now...
Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'
Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
Celibacy is not hereditary
Familiarity breeds children
Life is sexually transmitted
We do precision guesswork
Born free . . . Taxed to death
If it's too loud, you're too old
Common sense isn't common
Nothing succeeds like excess
Do pilots take crash-courses?
If it ain't broke, fix it until it is
The older I get, the older old is
Relax, its only Ones and Zeros
A closed mouth gathers no feet
Do witches run spell checkers?
I don't get even . . . . . I get odder
Allow me to introduce my selves
A feature is a bug with seniority
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Justice: A decision in your favor
Strip mining prevents forest fires
A waist is a terrible thing to mind
Do not disturb. Already disturbed
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Today's subliminal message is . . .
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.
Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
A Short Description about youself
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