Free Health Facebook Status

They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who's in a hurry ?

Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don't have it.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

Hey, I may have Alzheimer's, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's!

I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

A toast to alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I just coughed and sneezed at the same time, I think I traveled 3 seconds into the future

Ya know when ya go on vacation and you just can't wait to get home to take a nice, healthy dump?

The heart is the center of the body but beats on the left. Maybe that's the reason the heart is not always right.

When my gums bleed at the dentist she always asks me when was the last time I flossed. I look at her puzzled. It was 6 months ago. She was there.

I must be a proctologist... because I work with assholes.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I'm pretty sure the smell from cooking cinnamon rolls is causing my nose to orgasm.

I always feel like I just passed my "Best If Used By" date.

An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over. Yep, she needs a walker

if you put earphones up your nose, the sound comes out your mouth

omg i just found out im allergic to exercise...at first i get all flushed, then i break out in a sweat, my heart starts pounding really fast, then i cant breath........i wont be doing that again!

Sending Lindsay Lohan to the Betty Ford clinic to sober up is like sending Kirstie Alley to the Betty Crocker factory to lose weight.

Dear 3rd stall over, flushing the toilet does not disguise explosive diarrhea. Thought you should know.

I don't know if my liver or heart hurts more during a break up...

The really scary part of middle age is you know you’re going to grow out of it.

You’re only young once. If you act like a fool after that, you’re gonna need a new excuse.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Cigarettes are like hamsters. They're completely harmless until you put them in your mouth and set them on fire.

My brain is giving me the silent treatment

"You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough."

People on TV always give such accurate descriptions of criminals to sketch artists. I look at myself every chance I get and I don't think I could get my own face right.

Think I might run a marathon just to prove to myself that I can do something pointless and awful.

Whenever an application or form asks the name of my primary physician the answer is always "Dr. Feelgood'.

Due to tonight's lack of sleep, tomorrow has been canceled.

I want to come back as the .1% of germs and bacteria that nothing can kill...

Sorry, you're just not my blood type.

It's better to be pissed off than pissed on. Well that is unless you're into that kind of thing.

I need to slip into something more comfortable...Like a coma

Never mistake asthma for Passion

People should have to undergo a psychiatric evaluation once a year if they own a gun.

I would be much thinner if I hadn't gained all this weight.

They say “You are what you eat” so I guess we should eat skinny people.

Life is like a mirror, we get the best results when we smile at it.