Hilarious Facebook Status massages
Is it strange if I ask my ex if I could use her as a reference on my resume for a new girlfriend?
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. ツ
That awkward moment when someone knocks on the bathroom door.!
That awkward moment when your parents tell you to stay in the line when you`re shopping, and when you`re almost near the cashier, they`re not even back yet.
I like turtles because they`re so chill. They don`t hurt anyone. They`re just like, "Hey man, I want to swim, and maybe eat some lettuce. But I`m gonna take my time getting there, I`m not in a rush. Because I`m a turtle."
I did it on my bed... I did it on the couch... I did it in the car... Texting is such an obsession. ;)
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
A blonde just texted me and asked "What does idk stand for? " i said " i dont know" she said "omg! nobody does!!"
Staring at a text for fifteen minutes trying to figure out how to respond.
The awkwardness when you still cant understand someone after they`ve repeated themselves about 4 times.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Things people say when a movie finishes in the theaters. 5% I can`t wait for the sequel. 5% that was great acting. 90% I gotta pee.
If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.
Home is where you can say anything you like `cause nobody listens to you anyway ;)
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well thats what M.O.M stands for"
*NEW TXT MSG*:hey.whats up? REPLY: nothing what u doing?....2 hrs later *NEW MSG*: oh sorry i was busy. "THEN WHY DID U TEXT ME?!?!"
If I actually did "live like there`s no tomorrow". I`d be in jail.
Looking cute in the mirror but when you take a picture, you think "What the F!" ```...found it.."
Dear kids, There is NO Santa Claus. Those presents are from your parents. Love, WikiLeaks
`You`re tall, do you play basketaball?`...`You`re short, do you play minigolf?`
Life`s like a bird .. it`s pretty cute until it craps on your head..
Hey, Remember When I Told You Not To Tell Anyone? Thanks For Doing The Exact Opposite...
"Hey mom, can I ...?"... "No"... "But mom please .."..."No"... "Hey dad..."
I can`t clean my room because I get distracted by the cool stuff I find..
No no no cancel cancel no NO!! sent. SHIT!
People are funny.They spend money they haven`t earned,to buy things they don`t need,to impress people they don`t like...
Nobody can go back and start a new beginning..but anyone can start today and make a new ending..
I hate it when I realize i was suppose to "Shake well" my drink before consuming it. And once it`s done, it`s done! I missed out on the whole experience.
That awkward moment when you start telling a story and you realize no one`s listening, so u slowly fade out and pretend you never said anything! :)
I`m officially pirate!;) Arr...
" 1..2..3.. SMILE! "...... "did you take it yet?" "crap its on video!"
5 more minutes of sleep really DOES matter!
"Did you do this?" "No" "Then why are you smiling ?" "Cause whoever did is a genious, thats halirous !"
If I was a bird,I know who I`d sh●t on first.(;
AwesoMe ends with Me and Ugly starts with U ;)
Gravity... The only thing that can keep me down :)
Theres a fine line between tan, and looking like you rolled in doritos. :)
When life gives you ORANGES, stand on top of a tall building, and throw them at people. It`s fun :D
Einstein: Genius mind. Galileo: Great mind. Newton: Extraordinary mind. Bill Gates: Brilliant mind. Me: NEVERMIND.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it`s still on the list. :)
Don`t worry, ``There`s plenty of other fish in the sea.`` That`s great news, for my goldfish. But wtf am I supposed to do?
"awhh. u have grown so much! i remember when u were just a little babyy!" "who are u!?"
``MOM! i can`t find it`` `` if i come up there and i`ll see it.. you`re dead``
Sweetie, if your gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty!
8 years old: "Go to bed" "no" "why not?" "im not sleepy..5 more mins?" couple years later: "get up" "no" "why?" "I`m tired.5 more mins!"
"There`s plenty other fish in the sea."...."I`m human, why would I want to date a fish?
How I can remember a song from when I was 8, but i can`t remember for the life of me, why I went into the kitchen!
A Short Description about youself
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