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Okay, so you Republicans taking office, we all expect a complete economic turnaround in less than two years. Got it?
I still think Perez Hilton getting tasered would be the most watched YouTube video of all time.
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.
It's getting to point where I may just vote for the politician who calls my house the least.
If you're one of those people who think the world is going to end in 2012, please send me all your stuff
In an elevator I like to pull out a picture of myself and ask people "have you seen this person?"
A politician will stand for what he thinks people will fall for.
Personally, I don't believe the world owes me a living, although for the amount I make, an apology would be nice.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn't stop that murder.
I ask Google all the questions I'm too embarrassed to ask other people.
While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
NETFLIX: ''New Arrivals'' 6 years ago =|
Dad's do not request your teenager to be friends. You will be denied, even though she has accepted over 850 random unknown requests from complete strangers.
I will no longer logon to my wives FB account and Like all the posts on my own profile. Apparently this is a no-no.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
I don't necessarily agree with everything I say.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I wonder what Lady Gaga will be for Halloween
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
On Columbus Day, we celebrate the discovery of places that have already been happily occupied for years.
I hope someone gets a pic of Lil Wayne on his way out high-fiving T.I. on his way in.
Did you hear they took away Lindsey Vonns gold medal? .. They gave it to Obama! Hes going downhill faster than anyone.
Breaking News: It's really cold outside.
Dear two-faced person, I can't to decide which face of yours to slap first.
We should throw a politician in jail every day for the next 10 years. Even if we don't know why, they do.
The part of "no" that I don't understand is the part where I don't get what I want.
I just did the "out of toilet paper walk of shame"
Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
will try to suppress the urge to make a smart@ss comment on every post, picture or link from family members.
NASCAR Headlines: Jeff Gordon says he's sick of being called a 'pole sitter'. Asks NASCAR authorities to change it to 'pole holder'.
research says laughter can lengthen your life and smoking shortens it. So, I always chuckle between puffs.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A Short Description about youself
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